Weekend Recap: Hey Now, You're an All-Star

Things we learned this weekend:

1. All-star games can be fun!

Just take a look at the NHL. The league switched it up this year and instead of doing the usual "East vs. West" match-up, they decided to have a fantasy-type, school-yard-esque draft. I won't lie, I wasn't a big fan of the idea when they announced it. I thought it was just a silly idea to try to spark interest in a game that really doesn't matter. And then I realized that that's exactly what they were trying to do, and well...can you blame them? Gary Bettman, historically, hasn't ever really been the greatest model of marketing in the business and the league annually tries to keep it's proverbial head above water in the this nation's ocean of relevancy. I myself will watch professional hockey until the day I die, so no worries there. And no one really needs to worry about Canada losing interest in the sport any time soon. But as for the general American public, hockey comes in a distant fourth to Football, Baseball and Basketball (and in actuality, it's a

distant fifth if you consider NASCAR, which I heard somewhere along the line is first in terms of ratings? Sad, but true.) Well, after all is said and done, I think the NHL's

move this year was quite the success. It was no jackpot in my opinion, but it definitely made it more interesting to watch (Especially knowing that two players on the same team regularly - such as Zdeno Chara and Tim Thomas - would be playing against each other...or finally splitting up the Sedin twins, for that matter.) Not only that, but the skills competition on Saturday night was pretty entertaining too. I think it was really the first time I watched all (ok, most) of the skills comp, and I did enjoy it. Overall, I give the NHL a B+ this year for the All-Star game.

[Side note: Has anyone checked Jeff Skinner's (see photo) birth certificate? Like this kid has to be no older than 12 years old, right? Every time they cut to him this weekend, I thought someone had switched the station to Nickelodeon. Like honestly, this kid makes Danny Woodhead look like Bob Barker.]

2. All-Star games can be not fun...(still)

The NFL should just get rid of the ProBowl. I really can't see it getting any better. And it's pretty bad. It's actually amazing how many people I've heard completely shit on the ProBowl (for lack of a better phrase) - and it's just about everyone I've talked to. People don't like it, and I think the NFL knows that. The league spends very little to no money promoting the actual game, knowing that people won't watch it anyway, so why bother? Now that I think about it, I don't think they should get rid of it. Every sport needs an all-star break or game of some sort. But football is just so awkward. The season is too short to have it in the middle of season and players would never play with the fear of getting hurt mid-season anyway - chances are a lot of the players would rather have a second bye-week to rest than have to play an extra week. So what do you do? The league has already moved the game to the week before the Super Bowl, rather

than having it the week after. Good move, other than the fact that you'll never

see a Super Bowl contending player in that game now.

The NFL has tried to move the game to mainland USA (in 2010), rather than the Hawai'i site they've used since 1980. Bad move, keep

it in Hawai'i. It gives the players a little vacation/reason to actually go to the ProBowl, and it keeps the god-awful game as far away as possible from here. It is kind of cool seeing all my fantasy football stars in one place at one time, but really, there's just something about Brandon Merriweather and Darelle Revis joking around together in the same secondary that just bugs me...Oh yeah, and seeing Bill Belichick wearing a lei and a visor makes me want to throw up in my mouth. Talk about everything I thought I knew about the man crashing down in front of my eyes (although, he did look very uncomfortable in the attire). Overall NFL all-star grade: C-, per usual.

3. Antonio Cromartie needs to go away.

Sorry, JP, I have to rip the Jets just once more...Antonio Cromartie, go away. Stop whining and crying and threatening everyone in the league. Yeah, we get it, you don't want a lockout. No one does. You want to play next year, I get that. I want to see you (well, not you, per se) play. But how about getting stuff done productively instead of looking to pick a fight with everyone? For those who don't know, I'm referring to this article posted on ESPN.com later last week, where Cromartie threatened to "smash Matt Hasselbeck's face in" after Hasselbeck tweeted about Cromartie's recent comments. Really, Cromartie? You're going to smash his face in? Real professional. This was just like the time you called Tom Brady an "a--hole" after Wes Welker made quirky innuendos about Rex Ryan's foot fetish. It's funny how much trash talking you do through the fact that you can't take the trash talk yourself. And it's not even trash talk, it's just a little joke that most people would laugh off, accept or ignore. But no, Cromartie, you took the violent/threatening road. Someone says something you don't like and you get all defensive like a whiny little kid. Which is ironic, because you have 7 of them with 6 different women. Go away.

4. Never leave me and Biggz alone in your apartment while you go to the store...not even for 5 minutes.

So while Sasha was out running a few errands on Newbury, we decided to play "Easter-TP Hunt" in his bathroom. Can you count the number of rolls hidden in the picture below?

5. There's a difference between a "number 3" on hair clippers and a "number 3" on facial hair clippers.

Biggz found out the hard way.

[Side note: after this happened, I immediately thought of that scene in "My Best Friend's Girl" when Jason Biggs' character accidentally shaves his eyebrow off. It basically played out the same way as the movie, with the same reaction and everything - but the strangest thing is the fact that this happened to Biggz. Biggs, Biggz...I couldn't make this stuff up. Absolutely perfect.]

[Side note to the side note: I actually enjoyed "My Best Friend's Girl". Going into it, it had all the makings to be a horrible flop - it was a cliche romantic comedy featuring the quintessential RomCom superstar Kate Hudson and the sell-out stand-up-comic-turned-annoyingly-likable-romcom-protagonist Dane Cook. Although, I don't blame Mr. Cook for "Employee of the Month." Jessica Simpson's horrendous acting ruined everything about that movie. But I'd have to say, MBFG was one of the better RomComs I've seen in a while. The way it opens with Dane Cook recklessly "tanking" the date is genius and the wedding scene later on is pretty good too. But in all seriousness, my favorite part about that movie by FAR is the comedic acting ability of Alec Baldwin. He nailed the part of Dane Cook's chauvinistic and relentlessly obscene father and the scene when he's in his office with Dane and his secretary (also, continued here) is purely phenomenal. It really makes me want to get more into 30Rock.]

Good weekend. Overall: B. Which is the combined grade of me and Biggz' attractiveness level, apparently.

Is Alexandr Dolgopolov and That Ugly Chick from 50 First Dates the Same Person?

Happy Australia Day everybody.

(Props to Sabertooth for calling this...)

Sydney Oprah House?

Sooooo as I watch this whole 'Orpah does Australia' series (and yes, I am slighly ashamed to say that it is 1:49am on a Friday night and I'm watching Oprah), it has given me some serious mixed feelings. And I'd like to explain why...

A.) As a person who has recently traveled and studied in Australia, this whole series has given me some serious nostalgia. All it takes is for them to show an aerial view of the Sydney harbour as they're cutting to commercial and I immediately feel like I need to be back there...Now. Every time Oprah raves about how great of an experience she had there, I think about how great of an experience I had there. (Maybe I didn't have quite the SAME experience she did, but you know what I mean...) And she's right, God do I miss that place. It really is one of the most beautiful countries in the world and more people should get out there at least once in their life. Now that that's said...

B.) Does anyone else feel like Oprah is almost making a mockery of the great land down unda'? I know it's almost heresy to say anything negative about the Almighty "O", but I just got this really awkwardly 'fake' feeling while watching this (and let me reiterate, I wouldn't be watching this if she wasn't in a country where I pretty much spent 5+ best months of my life in). But really, the whole time I was watching this I got the feeling like she felt SHE discovered the country and needed to tell the world about her discovery, as if no one knew Australia was a real country already. With REAL people. Honestly, the whole time they made it seem like Oprah was a 'normal' human who had landed in a world of 'unnormal aliens'. Take, for instance, her guests. In a span of 4 shows, she interviewed stars such as Hugh Jackman, Russell Crowe, Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban and Olivia Newton-John (all Aussies)..and for some reason Bono(has anyone told the Big O that Bono is Irish yet? No? We're gonna let that one slide? Ok...). Ok, makes sense - you're in Australia, interview Australians - I get that. But is was what she asked the interviewees that boggled my mind. Her interviews only lasted about 4 or 5 minutes each and would consist of vague and cliche questions such as "So what's the difference between Australians and Americans?" or "Do you know other Australian actors?" or "What's it like being an Australian?" Really? Have you ever asked a twin what it's like being a twin? The usual response is most likely "what's it like NOT being a twin?" I seriously felt awkward listening to someone like Nicole Kidman have to answer that question while she simultaneously thought The difference between us and Americans is we don't ask stupid questions like that. And to make things ever more awkwarder, they had to answer these questions in front of 6,000+ fellow Aussies who have jampacked themselves onto the steps on the Sydney Opera House - which should now be referred to as the Syndey Oprah House. If I were an Aussie in that crowd, I'd be asking myself, who does this woman think she is?...and then I'd quickly think...oh yeah, this is the woman who is about to give me a $6,000 diamond necklace for free. Which brings me to my next point.

C.) Are all of these 'surprise' Oprah giveaways really a good thing for society? That sounds like a college essay topic so let me clarify...Everyone always raves about how charitable Oprah is and how she always gives her audience members cars and trips and diamonds and blah blah blah. Yeah, that's all cool but after a while the element of surprise is thrown out the window. I mean Pavlov must be rolling in his grave. If I go on that show, you best believe I'm going home with a 2011 Volkswagon Buggy or a brand new HP laptop (irony to be discussed later). Imagine going on that show and NOT getting something? Heads. would. roll. That's all I'm saying. You put me on that show, from the moment I walk into the studio and sit in that seat I won't be able to focus on anything else going on with the actual production of the show. Little Jimmy's cancer is in remission and he was reunited with his long-lost father? Who cares, where's my car? It's sad to say, but I mean c'mon, you KNOW people in the audience are expecting these things. Which is why I'm so surprised when I see them surprised. Diamond necklace? Yeah, I saw that coming, let's go honey... (although the way she revealed the aussie trip was a gem)

D.) So this whole Australia trip was just a big marketing scheme right? I mean, if anyone's gonna appreciate a spontaneous voyage to Australia, it's this guy. But to make that trip into a 4-episode long commercial for Australia Tourism - that's almost worse than Queen LeBron's "Decision" (but not really, I still hate LeBron much much more). Not to mention the countless promotions for Qantas, Telstra, hp, etc. Ok ok, I get the sponsor part. I'm in the advertising business. But at points I just felt like the promotions and sponsors were just taking away from the whole thing. (Which reminds me, Oprah is "friends" with a lot of big companies huh? Every time she goes to give something away it's always "And our friends over at [company] have been kind enough to donate [millions of products]..." Actually, that company gave stuff away to boost it's branding, not necessarily to be nice, but good on ya....)(Btw, when did I get this narcisistic? Damn you Oprah.)

E.) Did anyone catch episode 3 when Oprah cured that guys cancer with $25,000? Funny, the cure for AIDS is $180,000...

F.) Fact: Oprah tried to kill Hugh Jackman.

G.) The way Oprah took over Australia is almost sickening. It's almost like she landed in the country, marked her territory, called herself the Queen and ordered millions of habitants to follow her to the steps of the Oprah House to drink the koolaid. And when I say marked her territory, I mean literally...

When all is said and done, I guess Oprah really is the Queen of everything. And there's really no fighting that. She'll be the most beloved person in the world until the day she dies. And then maybe after that too.

Where's my car?

Exile: Stage Left

"Even the losers get lucky sometimes."
-Tom Petty

I want to say something cliche about how "change is inevitable" but I'll let things speak for itself. Like this blog for instance. I had only posted once before I decided it's time for a change. Don't ask me why. I wasn't 100% in love with the title - I mean, don't get me wrong, the last title (...On life, sports, and the Pursuit of the ONE) described basically about what I'd be writing about, but I didn't think it 'flowed' as a title. And the template was kind of weak. So here's try #2 at a title...

"A Fraudulent Zodiac"

Here's my explanation: The actual phrase comes from one of my favorite Third Eye Blind songs, 'God of Wine' ("Every glamorous sunrise throws the planets out of line/a star sign out of whack/a fraudulent zodiac"). Second, I found the title to be appropriate at this time considering all the uproar that these so-called 'astologists' are creating by telling people that their zodiac signs are changing because of a shift in the earth's axis (or something?). Classic. I heard some people are getting all riled up because now they think that their whole spiritual life as been a complete lie. It's amazing what people actually believe in these days. It's just a cluster of stars, is it not? But then again, I can't really hate - people have to believe in something...even if it changes. Even if the change is for the worse.

Which brings me to the New England Patriots. In all honesty, I've been holding off posting for so long basically because I've been in a solitary depression for the past 4 days. I actually cannot believe what I saw on Sunday. Going into the game, I had no worries in my mind. None. Not after drudging the lowly New Jersey Jets 45-3 in week 13. Not after seeing the complete dominance the offense displayed on the so-called 'stellar' jet defense. Not after the utter embarrassment Rex Ryan put on himself after that game - a game in which he trash talked his way INTO the game, only to stick his foot in his mouth afterwards - yes, pun very much intended. And of course, not after watching and listening for a whole week to the same nonsensical rabble and banter from the same coach and players who should've learned their lesson about trash talking just 4 or 5 weeks back...This whole game had Pats dominance written all over. Why? The Patriots don't lose to inferior teams like this - especially ones that have gotten just plain lucky throughout the season (see: Texans, Lions, etc.) and then run their mouth like they're better than they are. They just don't and they never have. Until now...The Patriots have changed. Last year they let a Baltimore team that they should've easily handled slip by in the first round and now this. The Patriots, sad to say, have lost their playoff mojo. They haven't won a playoff game since the game before they lost the super bowl to the New Jersey Little Giants (another team they should've easily handled). Did that super bowl jinx the pats? Who knows. Maybe the zodiac believers believe that. But whatever it is, the pats have changed. And for the worst.

I really can't talk about it anymore without wanting to throw up in my mouth but I do just want to say that I sincerely want to punch Rex Ryan in that giant globular face. The man deserves shit and he knows it. All he does is run his mouth and hope for the best. Watching his press conferences make me wonder if he ACTUALLY knows how the game of football works. All he ever talks about is "this is personal between me and Peyton, Belichick, my wife's feet, etc." or "[player] is really good, but [player] is better, but not as good as [player]" or "our defense is good". None of his responses have any actual substance in them and everything he does it seems like he is doing it for attention from the media. Seriously, does anyone actually think this guy is a real coach? Like there must be a mini-Belichick clone that comes out of a crawlspace somewhere before practice and games and really coaches the team. Or maybe Rex Ryan's brother is controlling his coaching moves during the game from inside his body - like "The 6th Man" ft. Marlon Wayans.



Needless to say, once the game ended, all I wanted to do was go hide in a hole somewhere. So I did the next best thing: take a 5 hour drive to the middle of the nowhere in the backwoods of the Catskill Mountains. And that's where I have been for the past 4 days. Away from anything and everything that might remind me of the american sport of football. This is my exile. (Go Bruins)

Pilot

"Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We're just warming up."
--Chuck Palahniuk

...And so it goes... I'm not going to lie here. I wanted to open my brand spankin' new blog with a bang - something inspirational and maybe even eye-opening at the same time. Something other than "hey, here's my new blog. enjoy." In school, I always had the natural tendency to begin an essay with a quote. You know, something that sparks interest and is relevant at the same time. Well, naturally, for this blog, I thought 'why not, I'll look up a quote'. However, the process of finding a quote literally entailed me typing the word "quote" into Bing (specific, I know). As I typed, the search result "quotes about life" auto-guessed for me. Of course I clicked on it and the first result that came up was thinkexist.com. Going with the flow, I clicked this top result. The page loaded and BAM: inspiration. This quote was the very FIRST quote in the quote of quotes. I almost skipped over it, but once I read it I thought, yeah that's just about exactly what I want to start my blog with. It's dramatic, it's inspirational, it's depressing, it's mind-explodingly complex...It's just like the movie Fight Club (which makes sense to me now that I realize who Chuck Palahniuk is...I always get him mixed up with Chuck Klosterman). But I digress...

Here's my new blog. Enjoy.

I won't say much in this first entry. I feel like I just needed to get it out there, let it soak on the interwebs for a while and then come back and start posting like a...postman? You know what they say, the first one is always the hardest. Or is it the first cut is the deepest? Either way, the waiting is the hardest part. And most likely, the hardest button to button.

So here it is, Blog #1...On Life, Sports and the Pursuit of the ONE. (Title still TBD)

[Thoughts on the title...as some of my "readers" will know (I use readers in quotes because, you know, who knows who is actually reading this), I originally planned to make a blog completely dedicated to the concept of the ONE (If you're not familiar to this concept, you clearly haven't hung around me long enough on any given weekend night). While I still plan to dwell on this concept in many an entry, I would also like to talk about other things that spark my interest. Like sports. Yeah, sports! Because I like sports and I don't care who knows!]

So yeah. There ya go. Blog #1. (or should I say Blog #ONE...)

[P.S. It took me a solid 17 seconds to realize the unintended pun between the title of this post and the template I used for the blog. Ha.]